Psychotherapy (psicotico)

Song of the moment: Nothing by Nobody


My mother thinks I'm crazy. One morning sometime this week when my sister was giving her a ride to work and me a ride to school, my mom says to me, "I'm sending you to Dr. Greenstreet (our family doctor"


Confused, I said, "Why? I'm not sick. Is it for a physical?"


She replied, while pulling down the mirror/sun blocker as she adjusted it so she could see my face, "I know what you've been saying about me and your sister. We read your diary. We know what you've been writing about: cutting yourself, hurting me and your sister in your dreams, depression."


"You read my diary?!" I cried in shameful shock.


"Well yeah, you just leave it around everywhere in the house. We seriously think there's something wrong with you, because your sister and I have been trying really hard to be nicer to you and to not gang up on you. Haven't you realized that? Haven't you realized our effort on not yelling at you, or getting mad at you? If it really comes down to it, I'll send you to a psychiatrist."


I was silent. I was ashamed that they read my deepest thoughts. I was ashamed that they violated my privacy and had the guts of confronting me about my diary. I could not, did not deny anything, for it was all true... written on the surface of the papers of my deepest friend. I've been keeping a diary ever since I was in sixth grade, never afraid to reveal what is really in my confused little mind. I don't know how many of my diaries they've read, I have two full (normal-looking) notebooks from previous years. The diary that they most likely have read is my newest one, an "official-official" diary that I bought for over 20 dollars from Borders. I hadn't written in it since June, and it was the one place I could run to during the last couple weeks of school in Sophmore year when I was utterly feeling horrible. I was depressed everyday and I didn't even know why. I could not comprehend the complications of the way that my brain and heart works, and it made me sad. I wasn't sure if I knew myself, and I was bitter that no one really made the effort to even try to figure me out. I felt isolated by my family. I always have.


I guess I'm happy that my mom and sister read my diary. I'm still ashamed, for some of the things that I wrote it in are no longer true, for at the moment, I am not feeling the way that I was writing that context at the time. I guess I'm just happy that they finally know how I feel. My family and I have a wierd relationship, but we were never the type that would talk to each other about our "feelings". I hardly know ANY Asian family that does that. I have always craved attention and the typical American Family comfort in having the ability to talk to your parents about almost anything, and they won't beat you with a stick or a belt afterwards. I was just afraid of being isolated even more with my family if I told them how I felt. I'm very suprised how much my mom and sister were willing to help me just by being nicer to me. It's happening right now, too. They're really making the effort to be nicer to me and talk to me. Before I found out what they were trying to do, I felt a little uncomfortable and I tried pushing them away or just plain ignoring them, but somehow my conscience came back to me from years of hiding and I have begun to open up my heart again.


I had missed a day of Analysis this week. I didn't turn in the homework for one night, took the test that I had missed on the day of my abscence but didn't have time to finish it so I totally bombed it, and until today, I was totally behind and I didn't know how to do "Cramers Rule", in which my teacher taught on the day that I wasn't here. The teacher told me that I can come in anytime this week and ask her for help. She was wondering why I didn't do that... and I guess I felt really bad that I was behind on one of my best and favorite subjects, so while she was talking to me and making me feel guilty about that, she asks, "So why haven't you REALLY been comming in for help? You could have gone anytime this week, I would have helped you. You can't just expect people to do everything for you."


With my head down, my eyes getting teary, and as I walked away I said, "I've just been having problems outside of school and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't ask me anything more about it."


After that, I just sat down back to my desk and brought out my book and tried to read. What she said really got to me, and couldn't help it, but tears just started streaming down my face. I tried so hard to control it, but I couldn't so I tried hiding it behind my bangs and my hair as I preceeded to read. The teacher realized what happened, so she became sympathetic after that. She started talking to me in a softer tone and when she asked me a question, she patted my back like what a mother does to her daughter. I really appreciated it, and after class, I stayed in during break and asked her for help. Now, I'm finally caught up and I'm happy.


Escapade try-outs was yesterday. Yesterday was also the day that my mom and sister left for Fresno for my mom's business meeting, where they also picked up my step-dad (he took the Greyhound bus from Las Vegas to Fresno). They left early at 6AM and just came back today around noon. I skipped my zero period class (Government) and now, I'm behind. Again. I also skipped my Italian class yesterday, since the tryouts for Escapade ended at 6PM, right when my Italian class started. Danessa gave me a ride home, we stopped by 7-11 and I bought her a Slurpee. When I got home, I decided that I started off the wrong foot in Italian and I would rather take the beginners course next semester with Ashley, so I could have a better grasp of the material. Plus, a HUGE test happened yesterday, and it would be impossible to to a make-up for it and get caught up in the class. I also have to buy cassettes worth 7 dollars each JUST so I could do my freaking homework. I decided that I really have no money or time right now to continue on with Italian, so I'm just going to drop it and post-pone my Italian studies until next semester, when I feel like I'm really to take it on.


Today, Lorraine and I saw Underworld. It's a kick-ass movie, I absolutely LOVED it. Afterwards, we went to Borders and walked around, where we saw an old friend and chatted for a while. We then headed off the Logos (local bookstore) and browsed around for about 30-45 minutes. I bought three new (technically, used) Anne Rice books and Lorraine bought this book.... forgot what it was called. The then went BACK to Borders, talked for a while, and I finally called my sister for a ride home.


Yeah. Those are the basics of my week. Mock Trial is next Monday, and I only have one topic (a full page argument) to choose from. I've decided that I may make my argument sound good, but the topic really isn't that swell. My current topic is "Teen Angst" and how teens abuse the history of their family and the misery that they've gone through as an excuse to their failure in life, on the other hand, some people are truly forced to live a shitty life due to their horrid living situations with their families. I had a whole outline of how I was going to present it, and it is definitely more unique than the topics that EVERYONE chooses like abortion, war, legalizing drugs. I just wanted to break out of the mold and be different. All they really need is to see you make a good argument, I really don't think the subject of your argument is that important. I mean, why would they care? Your ability to argue is more informative to them than the subject that you choose. Plus, I think they would be more impressed with you making something that's dumb look good, than making something look/sound good that already DOES look and sound good.


I should read now. I really need to finish the two current books I'm reading, and I should do it tonight and do my homework and catching-up tommorow. *sigh* Goodnight.